Don’t Rush It
Building a solid foundation is a big step, especially when your Kingdom Family can see it: your mentors, your friends, your disciples. That foundation comes from spiritual maturity. It gets you ready to carry more responsibility and to build a marriage and family on the things that matter most.
But life is full of conflict and suffering. Some suffering comes from the fall, and we can’t control it. Some comes from persecution, which Jesus told us is part of being a Christian. We should expect both. The third kind comes from bad choices and sin. That’s the kind we need to focus on, because we have some control over it.
I’ve watched people ignore wise counsel and rush into relationships, and the cost was painful.
Here’s another one I see a lot. A believer is attracted to someone who is a new or immature believer. The more mature one hopes they can disciple the other into maturity. But the immature believer might be struggling with addiction, anger or other harmful habits. In cases like that, the relationship can do more harm than good.
Picture this. The girlfriend is the mature believer, and she tries to start praying together every day. Her boyfriend keeps making excuses. Even when he joins, he’s not really into it. They end up stuck in a cycle of frustration. That’s the kind of suffering we want to avoid, and we need to see the signs before we’re deep in it.
Let’s say you’ve built a strong foundation, and your spiritual family sees that you’re mature in the Lord. Now the question is: what do you look for in someone who could be a “green light”?
But there’s another side to this. Some people stay away from dating or marriage, not because they’re devoted to God, but because they’ve been hurt. A “green light” person could be right in front of you, but old pain or resentment keeps you from moving forward.
God wants us free from bitterness and unforgiveness. Choosing to stay single because you’re grounded in God is different from avoiding relationships because you’re still hurt and haven’t forgiven. As you build your foundation, ask yourself, “Am I holding unforgiveness toward people who hurt me in the past?”
When we handle these situations with wisdom, we don’t rush into things that bring suffering and conflict we never needed to go through.
Real Heart Connection
“O daughters of Jerusalem, I adjure you … Do not arouse or awaken love until the time is right.” (Song of Solomon 2:7, BSB)
At the center of all this, you need a real emotional connection with the person you might spend your life with. The Bible, especially the Song of Songs, is full of passionate love between a husband and wife. But remember: you’re in charge of your emotions. They’re not in charge of you.
Let’s say your spiritual foundation is strong and you’ve found someone you have feelings for. How do you handle that in a godly way? Here are some things to think about to see if you’re on the right path. It’s not a complete list. These are principles Claudia and I have used with young believers we’ve mentored when they start dating. They’ve worked for us, and we learned them from our own mentors who lived them out.
When you’re attracted to someone, you’ll usually feel strong affection. That’s normal. Song of Songs 2:7 tells us not to “awaken love until the time is right.” Love is an emotion, and we’re in control of our feelings. So don’t stir up love until the time is right.
When I met Claudia, I was drawn to her, but after years of consecration I had learned to pause, ask counsel from my mentors, and seek God before letting my heart move.
Out of everyone I had ever met, Claudia stood out the most. She had my heart. My feelings for her were strong, but I made a choice not to stir up love in my heart until the time was right and I was sure she was the one. That’s where the self-control I’d been building for years got tested, and I saw the fruit of it. Because I had put in that time, I didn’t fall in love too fast.
Practical Wisdom
When you’re thinking about who to marry, you need practical wisdom, not just feelings. Practical things have to be weighed right alongside your emotions.
“By wisdom a house is built and by understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with every precious and beautiful treasure.” (Proverbs 24:3-4, BSB)
This verse is about building a home with wisdom, understanding and knowledge, and it’s a good picture of relationships and family life. Wisdom and understanding lay the foundation. Knowledge fills it with joy and treasure.
As followers of Jesus, our job is more than building an emotional bond with the person we’ll marry. We have to make the Lord’s priorities part of how we decide. Stirring up love at the wrong time is very different from letting it grow at the right time. And when the time is right, you still have to look closely at the practical side of life. Ruth and Boaz show us this. That kind of discernment helps us read our situation clearly and move toward a godly marriage.
Ruth: A Picture of Practical Wisdom
Ruth’s story teaches us a lot about using practical wisdom in relationships. Ruth was a Moabite woman. After her husband died, she chose to follow her mother-in-law, Naomi, back to Bethlehem. She was incredibly loyal, kind and selfless.
Ruth used practical wisdom. She went to pick up leftover grain in the fields of Boaz, a relative of Naomi’s late husband. She knew her situation and worked with what she had to provide for herself and Naomi. She also listened to Naomi’s advice, which showed she was humble and ready to learn.
When Boaz was kind to her, Ruth didn’t rush into marriage. She listened as Naomi walked her through Israel’s custom of the family redeemer, and that’s what led to their marriage. Ruth shows us how to use practical wisdom in relationships, in decisions and in the hard parts of life.
Lining Up Your Callings: More Than Just a Job
“A man’s heart plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9, BSB). Claudia and I saw how true this verse is when we started thinking about what our work and callings meant for our relationship.
Early on, when you’re first falling for someone, careers can feel like a side issue. But as the relationship moves toward marriage and family, your callings, the paths God has you on, start to matter a lot.
This part can be hard. We had different callings that looked, at first, like they might pull us in different directions. Think about it: if one person is called to a career in one city and the other is called to missions overseas, you can feel the tension right away.
“Can two walk together without agreeing where to go?” (Amos 3:3, BSB). This verse shows why you need a way for both callings to fit together, so one person doesn’t have to give up their life’s mission completely. We prayed hard, listened to the Holy Spirit and asked our faith community for counsel, and that’s how we worked out our work and our callings.
Once we started our life together, our shared calling took us through hard missions and big victories. Knowing that God had called both of us to missions in Asia gave us the strength to face anything, because we knew we were on the path He had for us.
One thing that really helped was picturing our future together, especially how our work would affect our family. We thought about ourselves as future parents and how our careers or callings would shape the way our kids grew up.
Looking back, lining up our work, our callings and our life goals, with God leading us, made our relationship a lot stronger. You don’t need the same career. But your paths need to fit together and support each other as you go forward together.
One big lesson for us: God can change everything in a moment. Knowing that changes how we think about our careers. Are we open to God changing our direction any time? It’s a good question to ask, because we need to plan for our future family and still stay flexible to God’s will.
This isn’t just about planning a wedding. It’s about knowing who the other person really is in real life, not just how you feel about them. “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21, BSB). We’ve learned how important it is for our treasure, our callings and our work, to line up with our hearts.
Core Values: Your Moral Compass
“Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’ Sober up as you ought, and stop sinning; for some of you are ignorant of God. I say this to your shame.” (1 Corinthians 15:33-34, BSB).
Our closest relationships, especially marriage, shape our morals more than we think. Who we become looks a lot like the people we spend time with and the books we read. So before you commit to marriage, get to know the other person’s core values.
Paul put it simply: “bad company corrupts good character.” That’s why you want to be sure the person shares your godly values before you awaken love. How you’ll raise kids, how you’ll handle money, how you think about health and fitness: your values need to fit together.
For example, Claudia and I both love the idea of a family on mission, and we both wanted a lot of kids. If we didn’t agree on that, we’d always be arguing about decisions on the mission field or about how many kids to have. We also both respect our earthly families, even though they’re very different, and that shared value helps us too.
Your values don’t have to match perfectly, but they should at least be in the same ballpark and work together.
Know your strengths. Look at where your passion, your skills and the way you make a living meet. That will often point you to your calling or career. Get clear on your calling before you look for fulfillment in someone else.
Before meeting Claudia, I tried different paths until I discovered my calling as a full-time missionary. If Claudia had met me before I found my calling, she would have encountered a different person. Knowing your calling before dating provides stability and direction.
Also think about your values: family, your future kids, your health. Know who you are in God before you start getting to know the person you plan to marry.
Even Our View of Children Matters
Ask yourself: is the person I’m attracted to someone I’d want as the mother or father of my kids? Do their values line up with how I want to raise them? This matters because our kids are our closest disciples, the arrows we send out into the world. Who you marry can make a huge difference in your kids’ faith.
God wants both parents to raise their kids together on biblical values. Sadly, a lot of kids grow up without biblical values, or with parents, especially fathers, who aren’t involved. But God wants fathers active in their kids’ lives, because it shapes how they grow and whether they keep following Jesus. And kids are always a blessing.
Adam’s Redeemed Leadership
In the Garden of Eden, after Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree, God asked Adam, “Who told you that you were naked? … Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” Adam responded, “The woman whom You gave me, she gave me fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” (Genesis 3:11-12, BSB)
Adam’s answer showed he wasn’t leading. Instead of taking responsibility and guiding Eve the right way, he blamed her, and he even blamed God for giving her to him. That passive leadership affected all of humanity, because sin came into the world through what they did.
Men today are still called to be active leaders in their relationships, not passive ones. That means taking the first step on the things that matter to God, and taking responsibility for the direction of the family together with their wives and children.
In courtship or dating, that means taking the lead in communication, staying humble, and serving each other so you both get closer to Jesus, on your own and as a couple.
I didn’t have this figured out. At my bachelor party, I asked my friends to pray for me because I honestly told them, “I don’t know how to be a husband.”
Ephesians 5:25-26 (BSB) teaches husbands to love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Leadership is sacrifice. Husbands are called to put their wives’ needs ahead of their own.
1 Peter 3:7 (BSB) tells husbands to treat their wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, with respect and kindness.
As men, it’s on us to lead, guide and protect our families. That means seeking God, studying His Word and making decisions that line up with what He teaches.
When men step up and lead, they build a strong foundation for their relationships and families, a home where people can grow spiritually and live out God’s purpose.
So let’s step up and lead in our relationships the way the Bible shows us. With love, humility and a servant’s heart, we can build homes that honor God, where our families grow strong in their faith.
Bringing Kingdom Family Together
Proverbs 11:10 in the Berean Standard Bible says, “When the righteous thrive, the city rejoices, and when the wicked perish, there are shouts of joy.” This verse shows how a community responds when good people do well and when wickedness comes to an end.
When you start a courtship or a relationship, the support and joy of your spiritual family matter a lot. Your closest friends and the people you trust in your godly community can see things you can’t. How they respond can help guide your decision.
If your closest friends have concerns or objections about a possible marriage, treat it as a Red Light or a Yellow Light. It means you need to step back and look more carefully. Their worries may come from real care for you and for God’s will in your life.
But if everyone in your godly community is happy and celebrating, that’s usually a good sign, a Green Light. Their support shows they see the relationship lining up with God’s plans.
The Bible keeps telling us to look for godly wisdom and counsel. Proverbs 15:22 (BSB) says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” When we listen to people we trust who share our faith and values, we make better decisions.
Along with listening to our spiritual family, we have to seek God ourselves in prayer and in His Word. Proverbs 3:5-6 (BSB) reminds us, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
In the end, we want to honor God in our relationships and decisions. We want to marry someone who shares our faith and our commitment to follow Christ. When we pray, listen to wise counsel and pay attention to how our spiritual family responds, we can walk through courtship with more confidence and clarity.
So value your spiritual family’s support and celebration. God uses them to guide you toward His will. As you trust the Lord and follow Him, you can make choices that fit His purposes and bring joy to your relationship.
Being on the Same Page
Every relationship needs clear, honest communication. Matthew 5:37 (BSB) tells us to be truthful and direct: “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ Anything more comes from the evil one.” When we tell the truth and don’t leave things vague, we build understanding and trust.
To really understand each other, each person needs to say clearly where they stand. Proverbs 27:19 (BSB) says, “As water reflects the face, so the heart reflects the true man.” When we talk openly about what we intend and what we expect, we make sure we’re both on the same page.
Stay away from grey areas so you don’t end up confused or misunderstood. James 5:12 (BSB) tells us to let our words be steady and reliable: “Above all, my brothers, do not swear, not by heaven or earth or by any other oath. Simply let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No,’ no, so that you will not fall under judgment.” When we’re clear and consistent, we avoid a lot of misunderstandings and fights.
Bring everything into the light so hidden sin and immorality don’t creep into your relationship. Ephesians 5:13-14 (BSB) reminds us, “But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for everything that is illuminated becomes a light itself.” When we’re open and honest, we build trust and accountability.
As we work toward healthy relationships, we need to seek God and line up what we do with what He teaches. Proverbs 3:5-6 (BSB) tells us to trust the Lord and acknowledge Him in everything: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” When we lean on God’s wisdom, we can build relationships that honor Him and bring us joy.
So let’s talk clearly and stay on the same page, the way God’s Word shows us. That cuts down on fights and misunderstandings, and it helps us grow together in love.
Where we are now
Right now, each of you should be able to say clearly whether this is a friendship or a romantic relationship. You both need the same understanding and the same expectations. If one person thinks it’s romantic and the other thinks it’s just friends, it will cause real problems and disappointment later. So be on the same page, talk openly with each other, and bring your Kingdom Family, your spiritual community, into it too.
1 Corinthians 14:33 (BSB) reminds us that God brings order and clarity: “For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace.” When you both understand what your relationship is, there’s peace between you.
There’s no reason for your relationship to be a secret only the two of you know. Be open in every part of your life. Ephesians 5:13-14 (BSB) says, “But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for everything that is illuminated becomes a light itself.” When we keep things in the light, we keep out hidden motives, sin and the temptation to make the relationship an idol.
James 5:16 (BSB) tells us to confess our sins and faults to each other: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Talking openly and staying accountable, with each other and with your spiritual community, keeps the relationship healthy and honest.
When we’re honest with ourselves, with each other and with our spiritual community, we build truth, trust and accountability. Proverbs 12:22 (BSB) reminds us that the Lord detests lying lips: “Lying lips are detestable to the LORD, but those who deal faithfully are His delight.” Being open like this lines up our actions with God’s Word and invites Him to lead our relationship.
So let’s commit to being on the same page, talking clearly and keeping our relationships in the light, so God’s will wins in our lives. Proverbs 3:6 (BSB) tells us to acknowledge God in everything: “In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” With God at the center, we can walk through our relationships with wisdom and integrity, following His lead.
Where are we going
Next, think about where your relationship is going. Like we said earlier, a redeemed Adam will take initiative and have conviction from God to lead the relationship where the Lord wants it to go. Passive leadership shows an immature foundation. But pushy leadership that goes outside God’s will and His guidelines is immature too.
Ephesians 5:25-26 (BSB) shows us what a redeemed Adam looks like: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.” That’s sacrificial love and servant leadership, following Christ’s love for the church.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (BSB) reminds us to trust the Lord and follow Him in every part of life, including our relationships: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
A healthy relationship has a redeemed Adam and a redeemed Eve. Once they’re on the same page, both of them are seeking God’s will about where the relationship is going.
Proverbs 16:9 (BSB) promises that when we give our plans to the Lord, He sets our steps: “A man’s heart plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” When we seek His will and trust Him, we can be confident He’ll lead us the right way.
Proverbs 3:6 (BSB) says it again: acknowledge God in your plans and ask Him for direction. “In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” When our desires line up with God’s purposes, we can be sure our relationship is going the right way.
To seek God’s will, spend time in prayer and in His Word, and ask for counsel from spiritual mentors and leaders you trust. Proverbs 15:22 (BSB) reminds us why counsel matters: “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”
When a redeemed Adam and a redeemed Eve seek God’s will and walk in obedience together, they can handle their relationship with wisdom and maturity. They can trust God to lead them and lean on His strength on a path that honors Him.
Let’s keep seeking God’s will and lining up our relationships with His purposes. As we grow in faith, let’s keep supporting and encouraging each other toward relationships that honor God.
Making a Relationship Roadmap
“Then the LORD answered me: “Write down this vision and clearly inscribe it on tablets, so that a herald may run with it. For the vision awaits an appointed time; it testifies of the end and does not lie. Though it lingers, wait for it, since it will surely come and will not delay.” (Habakkuk 2:2-3, BSB)
As the relationship gets more and more open, you also need a clear plan. This is where you really need the Lord’s wisdom to do it well. A good, godly plan made with your Kingdom Family sets your relationship up to succeed.
Plan with God
“The steps of a man are ordered by the LORD who takes delight in his journey. Though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed, for the LORD is holding his hand.” (Psalms 37:23-24, BSB)
God may change our steps, but the big vision has to come from Him. As we ask Him how to carry out His plan, He’ll often speak through other godly people, if we let them speak into our lives. We’ll still make mistakes along the way, but letting the Lord guide our steps keeps us from destructive or unhealthy choices.
Share with your Kingdom Family
“For lack of guidance, a nation falls, but with many counselors comes deliverance.” (Proverbs 11:14, BSB)
The Kingdom Family God gave you at the start, to help build your foundation, should still be part of your life. They helped you build your personal foundation, and they can help you build the foundation for your marriage and a godly family too.
Wait For God’s Timing
“For the vision awaits an appointed time; it testifies of the end and does not lie. Though it lingers, wait for it, since it will surely come and will not delay.” (Habakkuk 2:3, BSB)
Even when you can see the next steps, keep praying as you take them. Only with patience and the Holy Spirit’s timing can you be sure your steps will bear fruit. If you want a fruitful marriage, not just a fast one, stay in step with God the whole way.
Raising a Family and Legacy
“Your wife will be like a fruitful vine flourishing within your house, your sons like olive shoots sitting around your table. In this way indeed shall blessing come to the man who fears the LORD. May the LORD bless you from Zion, that you may see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life, that you may see your children’s children. Peace be upon Israel!” (Psalms 128:3-6, BSB)
Remember, marriage isn’t just about being with someone you like forever. It’s about spreading the glory of Jesus to the ends of the earth. God’s original design for that is marriage and children. You also see it in disciple-making. In the Bible, raising children is raising disciples of the Lord.
