Growing in a Kingdom Family means growing in God and growing in relationships, with Jesus showing us the way. God put truths in the Bible that lead us to maturity. We’ll start with the first building block: our own relationship with God.
Then we’ll talk about the next building block: our relationships in God’s family, our Kingdom Family. We’ll look at some of the big obstacles our generation runs into in relationships. After that, we’ll talk about courtship, marriage and parenting.
Our goal is to build a strong Kingdom Family before we start our own families. That’s hard for a lot of the people I work with. Many of our missionaries and staff come from tribal backgrounds or orphanages, and many come from families that don’t know the Lord. Many people, even in the church, carry deep hurts from their past, and that can make it hard to find a Kingdom Family.
For many of our tribal and orphan missionaries, our base is the only Kingdom Family they have. So if you don’t have a Kingdom Family at home, I want to encourage you to think about joining our staff. It’s a safe place to keep growing with the Lord. God never meant for us to face life’s battles alone. We’re supposed to make decisions and fight spiritual battles with a family in God around us.
What makes a Kingdom Family
We need to see how a Kingdom Family is different from an earthly family that doesn’t know God. An unsaved family may not follow Jesus. A Kingdom Family builds everything on obeying the Holy Spirit and growing closer to God. When we make big life decisions, we try to base them on God’s Word, not the world’s wisdom. That’s why we need to build our Kingdom Family together.
Our Kingdom Family is made up of different kinds of people: mentors, brothers and sisters, disciples, and even unbelievers. Each one matters in our spiritual family:
- Mentors – People we learn from, through what they teach and how they live.
- Brothers and Sisters – Peers who walk with us in faith. They’re not our mentors or our disciples. They’re our friends in the Kingdom.
- Disciples – People we show Jesus to, helping them grow in their walk with God.
- Unbelievers – People outside our inner circle who are still part of our lives, and who give us the chance to share God’s Word.
Together, these four groups are the base for our spiritual growth. If one is missing, or we lean too hard on one, we drift from what the Bible teaches. Jesus wants every one of us to have a spiritual family, and He keeps bringing more people in. That’s how God made us.
But trauma or brokenness can make us avoid one of these relationships, or run from it, or never have it at all. If we hope a boyfriend or girlfriend will fill that gap, it usually causes problems later. When any of these four is missing, it can show up as weakness in our marriage and family too.
Before you start dating or get married, make sure these pieces are in your life. If you don’t have spiritual mentors, no one is guiding you through the different seasons of life. Brothers and sisters are where we learn forgiveness, honesty and humility. Disciples teach us how to lead and be an example for people following God through us. And if we don’t have unbelievers in our lives, we miss out on being the “salt and light” Jesus told us to be. So take an honest look and see if any of these four is missing.
Here are a few more questions to ask yourself. Is one of these relationships really hard for me? Maybe trauma from my past makes it hard to connect with my brothers and sisters. Maybe it’s hard to follow leaders because I’ve been hurt by abusive authority before. Or maybe I don’t have healthy disciples because I’m not mature enough yet to show someone the life of Christ.
Also ask: am I affecting the unbelievers in my life, or are they affecting me? Each of these groups helps us see how mature we are in relationships. It’s wise to think about marriage only when these relationships show real maturity.
Mentors: Teachers and Lifestyle Guides
“I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first dwelt in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am convinced is in you as well. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands,” (2 Timothy 1:5-6, BSB).
God wants us to have people in our lives who remind us who we are, where we belong and how much God cares for us. Paul did this for Timothy, because that’s what his Heavenly Father had done for him. Paul knew he was a child of God, and he passed on what he learned from the Father to his spiritual children.
In 2 Timothy 1:5-6, Paul tells Timothy to remember the faith of the people who came before him and to fan into flame the gift God gave him. Timothy didn’t finish his race on his own. He had mentors guiding and supporting him. Paul and Timothy were both frontier missionaries in the early church, and they learned from each other’s lives, even the persecution they went through.
Mentors remind us who we are and what gifts God has given us. They help us find our purpose in God’s Kingdom. That’s why we need Kingdom family, not just earthly family. For some of us, our earthly family is saved and is also our Kingdom family. For others, our family doesn’t know the Lord, so they can’t be our Kingdom family.
So instead of getting our identity from our earthly family, we look to our Kingdom family to remind us who we are in God. They can also see how mature we are and guide us when we struggle. For example, an earthly parent might tell you to marry a rich woman with a great education and a big job. A Kingdom parent might tell you to find a woman of faith, purity and integrity, who loves God’s Word and loves Jesus.
Our decisions should come from God’s wisdom, not the world’s advice. That matters most when we’re getting into a relationship or getting married. The world is fallen, so we have to trust God and follow Him no matter what. For some of us, our Kingdom Family might be smaller than our earthly family. But these are the people who said yes to following Him, and God gives them to us as a blessing.
Brothers and Sisters: Walking with God Together
Proverbs 27:17 (BSB) says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” God wants us to walk toward His Kingdom with people by our side, our spiritual brothers and sisters.
Why we need spiritual brothers and sisters
Brothers and sisters are a big part of following Jesus. They’re the “iron sharpens iron” in our lives. These relationships are where we learn how to confront, how to forgive and how to give grace.
Matthew 18:15 shows us how to deal with sin in each other: “If your brother sins against you, go and confront him privately. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” Our brothers and sisters are where we practice living in the light and beating sin.
I learned this early in missions. I got into a public argument with a fellow missionary named Josh over a puppy we found on the street. Neither of us won that argument. We both asked each other for forgiveness, and Josh became one of my closest friends.
How brothers and sisters help in dating
Brothers and sisters don’t just help us grow. They also help a lot when it comes to romantic relationships. Galatians 6:1 (BSB) says, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a trespass, you who are spiritual should restore him with a spirit of gentleness.” Our brothers and sisters can help us see how spiritually mature a possible partner is, and they can warn us if we’re sliding into sin.
The gift of good friends in Christ
Close friendships with brothers and sisters in Christ teach us how to communicate in a healthy way. In marriage, your spouse shouldn’t be the only person you talk to. Proverbs 15:22 (BSB) says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Our brothers and sisters become part of our circle of counsel. They know what we like, what we enjoy and what we struggle with.
Handling close friendships wisely
We have to be wise with these close friendships so they don’t cause problems, especially with a future spouse. Ecclesiastes 4:12 (BSB) says, “And though one may be overpowered, two can resist. Moreover, a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Build friendships that are good for everyone involved, with trust and openness, not jealousy.
Accountability for life
One of the biggest dangers for Christians is isolation. That’s where sin takes root. Hebrews 10:24-25 (BSB) says, “And let us consider how to spur one another on to love and good deeds. Let us not neglect meeting together, as some have made a habit, but let us encourage one another.” That’s for every season of life. We always need to keep growing and keep each other accountable.
So put your energy into deep, healthy friendships, not shallow ones that come and go. Who you walk with makes a huge difference in how you grow.
Disciples: Helping Others Get Closer to Jesus
John 21:17 (BSB) tells us about a powerful moment between Jesus and Peter: “Jesus asked a third time, “Simon son of John, do you love Me?” Peter was deeply hurt that Jesus had asked him a third time, “Do you love Me?” “Lord, You know all things,” he replied. “You know I love You.” Jesus said to him, “Feed My sheep.”” Jesus cared so much about young believers, the lambs and the sheep, that it shows discipleship is at the center of who we are as Christians.
What discipleship is
When Peter said again that he loved Jesus, Jesus gave him a clear job: take care of My followers. That shows how much discipleship mattered to Jesus. Being a Christian means always helping others grow closer to Jesus, just like Matthew 28:19 (BSB) says: “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”
Discipleship shows maturity
Leading disciples shows how much we’ve grown as Christians. When we’re receiving from our leaders and pouring out into the people we disciple, it’s a sign our walk with Jesus is healthy. You can see that maturity in our romantic relationships too. Ephesians 4:15 (BSB) says, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Christ Himself, who is the head.”
Unbelievers: Showing Them Jesus’s Love
In Luke 10:34-37 (BSB), the parable of the Good Samaritan tells us to show mercy and care, not just to believers, but to people who don’t know Christ yet.
Why we care about the lost
The Good Samaritan reminds us that our job is to show Jesus’s love, even to people others see as outcasts or unbelievers. Jesus came to bring light to people lost in the darkness of sin and to offer them forgiveness and salvation. Luke 19:10 (BSB) says, “For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”
Showing Jesus’s Love in Our Relationships
When we care about unbelievers, we’re loving the lost the way Jesus does. A lot of Jesus’s preaching came out of compassion for people who were spiritually blind and broken. Matthew 9:36 (BSB) says, “When He saw the crowds, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.”
Through the Good Samaritan, Jesus teaches us that taking care of hurting people in practical ways is part of God’s love. The more we understand Jesus’s heart, the more we should care about people who are spiritually blind and emotionally hurt.
Take a moment to look at your relationships and ask yourself and the Lord, “Where else can I grow in my relationships?” Use the cross of relationships on page nine to help you. How we grow spiritually shows up in how we build our relationships with both disciples and unbelievers.
