Don’t Rush It
The journey towards establishing a solid foundation is indeed a substantial step, particularly when evident to our Kingdom Family – our mentors, friends, disciples. This foundation emerges from spiritual maturity, empowering us to take on more responsibilities and build a family and marriage anchored in our core principles.
However, it’s important to remember that life is laden with conflicts and suffering. Some of this suffering stems from the fall of man, an aspect beyond our control. Other forms of suffering arise from persecution – a fact Jesus alluded to in the New Testament as the reality of being a Christian. These are expected as we navigate life. The third type of suffering, resulting from poor choices or sinful actions, is what we need to focus on since we have some control over it.
Let’s take an example. A friend once confided in me about a man she was attracted to. She revealed that he had three kids, was going through his second divorce, and had just begun dating her. He intended to marry her. I cautioned her that until he had a transformative encounter with Jesus, the odds were she would end up divorced and a single mom as well.
Sadly, she didn’t heed my advice. Years later, she reached out via Instagram. As predicted, she was now a single mother, navigating a complex life due to her choice to ignore biblical wisdom and rush into a relationship she desired.
Another common situation arises when a believer is attracted to a new or immature believer. The mature believer hopes that they can disciple the immature believer into maturity. However, the immature believer might be struggling with issues such as addiction, anger, or other harmful habits. In such cases, the relationship can cause more harm than good.
Let’s consider a scenario where the mature believer girlfriend tries to initiate a daily prayer routine, but her boyfriend continually makes excuses. Even when he does participate, he shows no genuine interest, resulting in a cycle of discontent and dissatisfaction in their relationship. These are the kinds of situations and suffering we aim to avoid, and we need to discern the signs before we find ourselves entrenched in them.
Suppose you’ve established a strong foundation, and your spiritual family acknowledges your maturity in the Lord. The question then becomes, what attributes do we seek in a potential partner who might be a ‘green light’?
However, there’s another aspect to consider. Some individuals resist dating or marriage, not out of dedication to God, but due to past hurt. A potential ‘green light’ partner may be available, but past pain or resentment might prevent you from pursuing a relationship.
Remember, God desires us to be free from bitterness and unforgiveness. There’s a difference between choosing singleness because of a solid foundation in God and avoiding relationships due to past hurt and unforgiveness. As we construct our foundation, we should ask ourselves, “Am I harboring unforgiveness towards those who have hurt me in the past?”
Understanding and navigating these situations with wisdom is key to pursuing marriage, ensuring we don’t rush into situations that might cause unnecessary suffering and conflict.
Heartfelt Connections
“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” (Song of Solomon 2:7, ESV)
At the core of our pursuit, it’s critical to nurture an authentic emotional bond with the person we see as a potential partner for life. The Bible, especially the Song of Songs, brims with passionate exchanges of love between spouses. However, it’s crucial to bear in mind that we are in command of our emotions, not the other way around.
Suppose you’re at a point where your spiritual foundation is firm, and you’ve found someone you have feelings for. The question becomes: how do you navigate that in a godly way? I want to share some thoughts to consider to discern whether you’re on the right path. This isn’t an exhaustive list, rather, these are guiding principles that Claudia and I have used in helping young believers we’ve mentored when they’re beginning to navigate the realms of dating and relationships. These principles have served us well, having learned from our own mentors who’ve lived these truths.
When you see someone and you’re attracted to them, you’ll typically have a sense of strong affection – it’s the most natural response. The Song of Songs 2:7 reminds us not to ‘awaken love until it pleases.’ Love is an emotion, and we’re in control of our feelings. Thus, it’s important not to stir up this emotion of love until the time is right.
When I first encountered Claudia, I felt an immediate connection, as if I wanted to marry her right then and there. But, after a five-year journey of consecration, I had learned to pause, wait, and seek God’s guidance in prayer.
Of all the people I had ever met, Claudia stood out to me the most, captivating my heart. Yet, she initially saw me as a vagabond. I had to make a conscious decision, even though my feelings for Claudia were so profound, to refrain from stirring up love in my heart until the time was right, or until I was sure she was the right person. This is where the discipline of self-control that I had honed over the years was truly put to the test, revealing its fruit. Having invested so much time in developing self-control, I was finally able to master the emotion of falling in love too quickly.
Practical Wisdom: Guiding the Way
When contemplating a life partner, practical wisdom plays a substantial role, guiding us beyond emotional ties. Practical qualities have to be considered alongside our emotions when deciding who to marry.
“By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.” (Proverbs 24:3-4, NIV)
This verse speaks to the importance of wisdom, understanding, and knowledge in building and maintaining a home, which can be seen as a metaphor for relationships and family life. Wisdom and understanding help establish the foundation of a relationship, and with knowledge, it becomes a source of joy and treasure.
In our journey as Christ followers, our mandate is more than just fostering an emotional bond with the one we’re destined to marry. It’s about integrating the priorities of the Lord into our decision-making fabric. The contrast is stark between precipitating love inappropriately and kindling it when the timing is right. When love is sparked at the opportune moment, it calls for astute discernment of the practical realities that surround us, a story beautifully encapsulated in the biblical tale of Ruth and Boaz. This level of discernment helps us to effectively interpret and navigate our circumstances, charting a course towards a godly marriage.
The Story of Ruth: An Emblem of Practical Wisdom
As we navigate the waters of relationships and consider using practical wisdom in making decisions, the biblical story of Ruth offers a compelling lesson. Ruth, a Moabite woman, lost her husband and chose to follow her mother-in-law, Naomi, back to Bethlehem. She demonstrated extraordinary loyalty, kindness, and selflessness.
Ruth’s actions were guided by practical wisdom. She went to glean in the fields of Boaz, a relative of Naomi’s deceased husband. Ruth was aware of her situation and worked within her circumstances to provide for herself and Naomi. Additionally, she followed Naomi’s advice, demonstrating her humility and eagerness to learn.
When Boaz showed kindness to Ruth, she didn’t rush into marriage. Instead, she relied on her practical wisdom, waiting patiently as Naomi guided her through the complexities of Jewish levirate law, which ultimately led to their marriage. Ruth’s story teaches us the importance of using practical wisdom in relationships, making decisions, and navigating through life’s challenges.
Professional Alignment: More Than Just a Job
“The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9, ESV). As a couple, we discovered the profound truth of this verse when we started considering the role our professions played in our relationship.
During the initial blossoming stages of love, career choices might seem secondary, almost inconsequential. However, as a relationship progresses towards the realm of marriage and family life, the significance of our callings – our professional paths – comes to the forefront.
Navigating this juncture can be challenging. In our own journey, we grappled with distinct callings that seemed, at first glance, to pull us in different directions. For example, if one individual is called to serve in the military and the other to missionary work in a specific location, the tension between these paths becomes apparent.
“Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3, NKJV). This verse encapsulates the necessity of finding a way for both callings to coexist without one partner needing to forfeit their life’s mission entirely. Through fervent prayer, spiritual discernment, and consultation with our faith community, we were able to navigate our professional and spiritual pathways.
As we embarked on our shared journey, our aligned callings led us through a spectrum of experiences – challenging missions and significant victories. Being assured of our mutual call to missions in Asia bolstered our resolve to face any obstacles, secure in the knowledge that we were treading the path God had ordained for us.
A valuable approach we discovered was envisioning our future together, specifically contemplating the impact of our professional choices on potential family life. We considered our roles as future parents and how our careers or callings would influence our children’s upbringing.
Looking back, the process of aligning our professional aspirations, divine callings, and life goals while keeping God as our guiding light has significantly fortified our relationship. This alignment does not necessitate identical career paths, but rather requires that both paths are in harmony, supporting each other as we journey forward together.
One crucial lesson from our experience is that God can change everything in a heartbeat. Recognizing this potential for divine intervention shapes how we approach our career paths. Are we open to God redirecting our course at any moment? This profound question underscores the importance of preparing for our future family life while remaining flexible to God’s will.
This exploration is not merely about planning for marriage; it’s about understanding who the other person is in practical terms, not just emotionally. “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21, ESV). Our shared journey has taught us the importance of aligning our treasure – our callings and professions – with our hearts.
Core Values: The Moral Compass
“Bad company ruins good morals. Wake up from your drunken stupor, as is right, and do not go on sinning. For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame.” (1 Corinthians 15:33-34, ESV).
One cannot overstate the impact our intimate relationships, especially marriage, can have on our moral orientation. The future versions of ourselves tend to mirror the company we keep and the words we absorb from the books we read. A crucial step in our shared journey is understanding our partner’s core values before stepping into the commitment of marriage.
Apostle Paul succinctly warned, ‘bad company corrupts good character.’ This wisdom illuminates why it’s vital to ensure our beloved shares our godly values before awakening love. Whether it’s our beliefs about raising children, our attitudes towards financial stewardship, or our views on health and fitness, it’s crucial that our values harmonize.
To illustrate, we both cherish the concept of family on mission and desire to have many children. Suppose these values were discordant. In that case, we would have found ourselves constantly debating our decisions on the mission field or disagreeing on our family size, causing unnecessary tension. Similarly, our shared respect for our earthly families, despite the different dynamics, is a shared value contributing to our relationship’s harmony.
Your values don’t need to mirror each other perfectly, but they should at least be in the same ballpark, working in tandem.
Understanding your strengths, encapsulated in the interplay between your passion, skill, and livelihood, is essential. This understanding will often point you towards your calling or career path. It’s crucial to grasp your calling before seeking fulfillment in someone else.
Before meeting Claudia, I traversed different career paths, from animation to teaching English, considering the police force and the military, until I discovered my calling as a full-time missionary. If Claudia had met me before I found my calling, she would have encountered a different person. Knowing your calling before dating provides stability and direction.
Also, reflect on your values – family values, values concerning your future children, health values. Grasp who you are in God before you start getting to know someone else in God that you plan to marry.
Even Our View of Children Matter
Regarding children specifically, it’s crucial to consider if the person you’re attracted to is the person you’d want as the mother or father of your children. Are their values in alignment with how you envision raising your children? This aspect is significant as children are our closest disciples, the arrows we send forth into the world. The choice of whom you marry can drastically influence your children’s faith. An example from our family shows that children brought up in households with different religious beliefs can become confused.
God desires both parents to raise children together according to biblical values. Unfortunately, it’s common to see children raised with non-biblical values or parents, particularly fathers, uninvolved in their children’s lives. However, God wants fathers to play an active role in their children’s lives as it profoundly impacts their development and commitment to following Jesus. Children, indeed, are always a blessing.
Adam’s Redeemed Leadership
In the Garden of Eden, after Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree, God asked Adam, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” Adam responded, “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it.” (Genesis 3:11-12, NLT)
Adam’s response revealed a lack of proactive leadership in his relationship with Eve. Instead of taking responsibility and guiding her in the right direction, he shifted blame to Eve and indirectly blamed God for giving her to him. This passive approach to leadership had consequences for all of humanity, as sin entered the world through their actions.
Even today, men are called to be active leaders in their relationships, not passive ones. This means taking initiative in important biblical matters, as well as assuming responsibility for the overall direction of the family alongside their wives and children.
In courtship or dating, this active leadership involves taking the lead in communication, showing humility, and serving one another to draw closer to Jesus individually and as a couple.
Ephesians 5:25-26 (NIV) teaches husbands to love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. This demonstrates the sacrificial nature of leadership, where husbands are called to put their wives’ needs and well-being before their own.
1 Peter 3:7 (NLT) highlights the importance of husbands treating their wives with understanding and giving honor to them as the weaker vessel, showing them respect and kindness.
As men, it is our responsibility to actively lead, guide, and protect our families. This involves seeking God’s guidance and direction, studying His Word, and making decisions that align with His teachings.
By taking a proactive leadership role, men can create a strong foundation for their relationships and families, fostering an environment where spiritual growth and God’s purpose can thrive.
Let us embrace the call to be active leaders in our relationships, following the examples and teachings found in the Bible. Through our love, humility, and servant-hearted approach, we can create a God-honoring environment where our families can flourish and thrive in their faith.
Uniting Kingdom Family
Proverbs 11:10 in the New Living Translation states, “The whole city celebrates when the godly succeed; they shout for joy when the wicked die.” This verse highlights the response of a community when righteous individuals prosper and when wickedness is brought to an end.
When it comes to starting a courtship or entering into a relationship, the support and joy of our spiritual families are crucial. Our closest friends and trusted members of our godly community can provide valuable insights and perspectives. Their response can serve as an indicator, guiding us in our decision-making process.
If our closest friends express concerns or objections regarding a potential marriage, it can be seen as a Red Light or a Yellow Light. This cautionary signal suggests that we need to take a step back and evaluate the situation more carefully. Their reservations may stem from a genuine concern for our well-being and alignment with God’s will.
Conversely, if everyone in our godly community is rejoicing and celebrating, it is often seen as a positive sign, represented by a Green Light. Their support indicates that they see the relationship as in line with God’s plans and purposes.
The Bible emphasizes the importance of seeking godly wisdom and counsel. Proverbs 15:22 (NIV) says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed.” By seeking input from trusted individuals who share our faith and values, we can make more informed decisions.
In addition to seeking guidance from our spiritual families, we must also seek God’s guidance through prayer and studying His Word. Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) reminds us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Ultimately, our aim is to honor God in our relationships and decisions. We want to unite with a partner who shares our faith and commitment to following Christ. Through prayer, seeking wise counsel, and discerning the response of our spiritual families, we can navigate the journey of courtship with greater confidence and clarity.
Let us value the support and celebrations of our spiritual families, recognizing their role in guiding us towards God’s will. As we trust in the Lord and seek His guidance, we can make choices that align with His purposes and bring joy and fulfillment in our relationships.
Being on the Same Page
In any relationship, it is important to have clear and honest communication. Matthew 5:37 (NIV) teaches us the importance of being truthful and straightforward: “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” By speaking truthfully and avoiding ambiguity, we can promote understanding and trust in our relationships.
To establish a solid foundation of understanding, it is crucial to define where each person stands in the relationship. Proverbs 27:19 (NIV) says, “As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart.” By openly discussing and expressing our intentions and expectations, we can ensure that both parties are on the same page.
Avoiding grey areas in relationships is important to prevent confusion and miscommunication. James 5:12 (NIV) advises us to let our words be consistent and reliable: “Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’ Otherwise, you will be condemned.” By being clear and consistent in our communication, we can avoid misunderstandings and potential conflicts.
Bringing everything into the light is crucial to prevent hidden sins and immorality in our relationships. Ephesians 5:13-14 (NIV) reminds us, “But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.” By promoting transparency and openness, we create an environment that fosters honesty, trust, and accountability.
In our pursuit of healthy relationships, it is important to seek God’s guidance and align our actions with His teachings. Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) encourages us to trust in the Lord and acknowledge Him in all our ways: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” By relying on God’s wisdom, we can cultivate relationships that honor Him and bring joy and fulfillment to our lives.
Let us aim to have clear communication and be on the same page in our relationships, following the guidance of God’s Word. By doing so, we create an environment where conflicts and misunderstandings are minimized, and we can grow together in love and clear communication.
Where we are now
In the current stage of a relationship, it is important for each person involved to be able to clearly define whether the relationship is friendly or romantic. It is crucial that both individuals have the same understanding and expectations about the nature of their connection. If one person views the relationship as romantic while the other sees it only as friendly, it can lead to significant issues and unmet expectations in the future. Therefore, it is essential to be on the same page and have open communication with one another and also involve your Kingdom Family, your spiritual community, in this understanding.
1 Corinthians 14:33 (NIV) reminds us of the importance of order and clarity in relationships: “For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.” When both parties have a clear understanding of the nature of their relationship, there is peace and harmony in their interactions.
When it comes to the state of your relationship, there should be no reason for it to be a secret known only to yourselves. Transparency and openness are important in all aspects of our lives. Ephesians 5:13-14 (NIV) says, “But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.” By keeping things in the light, we prevent hidden motives, sinful behavior, and the temptation to idolize the relationship.
James 5:16 (NIV) encourages us to confess our sins and faults to one another: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Open communication and accountability within the relationship and the spiritual community help foster a healthy and honest environment.
By being honest with ourselves, our partner, and our spiritual community, we create an environment that promotes truth, trust, and accountability. Proverbs 12:22 (NIV) reminds us that the Lord detests lying lips: “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.” Through this openness, we align our actions with God’s teachings and invite His guidance into our relationship.
Let us commit to being on the same page, communicating clearly, and keeping our relationships in the light, so that God’s will can prevail in our lives. Proverbs 3:6 (NIV) encourages us to acknowledge God in all our ways: “In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” With God at the center of our relationships, we can navigate them with wisdom, integrity, and His guidance.
Where are we going
Looking ahead, it is important to consider where our relationship is heading. As stated earlier, a redeemed Adam will have the initiative and the conviction from God to be able to lead and guide the relationship to where the Lord wants to take it. Passive leadership is a sign of an immature foundation. In the same way that overactive leadership, outside the will and guidelines of God, is also a sign of immature leadership.
Ephesians 5:25-26 (NIV) teaches us about the role of a redeemed Adam, saying, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.” This verse emphasizes sacrificial love and servant leadership, modeling the example of Christ’s love for the church.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) reminds us to trust in the Lord and seek His guidance in all aspects of our lives, including our relationships: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
A healthy relationship will include both a redeemed Adam and a redeemed Eve, where both parties are actively seeking God’s will in forming a direction of where their relationship is going once on the same page.
Proverbs 16:9 (NIV) reassures us that when we commit our plans to the Lord, He will establish our steps: “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” By seeking God’s will and trusting in His guidance, we can be confident that He will lead us on the right path.
Proverbs 3:6 (NIV) further emphasizes the importance of acknowledging God in our plans and seeking His direction: “In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” By aligning our desires with God’s purposes, we can be assured that our relationship is heading in the right direction.
In seeking God’s will, it is important to spend time in prayer, meditating on His Word, and seeking counsel from trusted spiritual mentors and leaders. Proverbs 15:22 (NIV) reminds us of the value of seeking wise counsel: “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed.”
By actively seeking God’s will and walking together in obedience, a redeemed Adam and a redeemed Eve can navigate their relationship with wisdom and maturity. They can trust in God’s guidance and rely on His strength to lead them on a path that honors Him and brings fulfillment to their lives.
May we continually seek God’s will and align our relationship with His purposes. As we grow in our faith and understanding, may we support and encourage one another in our pursuit of a God-honoring and purposeful relationship.
Making a Relationship Roadmap
“And the LORD answered me: “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” (Habakkuk 2:2-3, ESV)
As the relationship becomes more and more transparent a clear action plan needs to become present as well. This is where the wisdom of the Lord must really come into action for this to be done well. A good godly plan with our Kingdom Family is a road to relational success.
Plan with God
“The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand.” (Psalms 37:23-24, NLT)
While God may change our steps, our ultimate vision must come from the Lord. As we seek the Lord in how to execute His plan His guidance will start showing itself from other godly people if we allow them to. While we will be always making mistakes in the process, allowing the Lord to guide our steps will help us prevent destructive or unhealthy steps in the process of the Pursuit.
Share with your Kingdom Family
“Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14, NKJV)
The Kingdom Family that God gave us at the beginning of our journey, to help us form our foundation, should still be in the picture. As this family helped us form our foundation personally, they will also be able to help us form our foundation in marriage and building a godly family as well.
Wait For God’s Timing
“This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.” (Habakkuk 2:3, NLT)
Even though we may see the action steps needed we still need to be prayerful in executing them. It is only through patience and timing with the Holy Spirit can we be incredibly sure of the fruitfulness of our actions. If we want a fruitful marriage, not just a fast one, we need to be in step with God – every step of the way.
Raising a Family and Legacy
“Your wife will be like a fruitful grapevine, flourishing within your home. Your children will be like vigorous young olive trees as they sit around your table. That is the LORD’s blessing for those who fear him. May the LORD continually bless you from Zion. May you see Jerusalem prosper as long as you live. May you live to enjoy your grandchildren. May Israel have peace!” (Psalms 128:3-6, NLT)
It’s also important to remember that marriage is just about us being with someone we like forever. It is about spreading the glory of Jesus to the ends of the Earth. God’s original design for this is marriage and children. This can also be seen through disciple-making. In the Bible, raising children is also raising disciples of the Lord.